Why am I thinking of that again? Because I realized again that a MEM cannot be trusted. There was a post in the comments about a mem pretending to want to go to counseling and wanting to work things out but in reality just wanting to keep his bed buddy around while still being mom's special someone. Again I was reminded that, even after counseling, a mem cannot be trusted. My MEM was acting strange. We had agreed that correspondence with the mem family would go through me, no more private conversations, etc. He started getting upset at the dumbest things, like he used to when he had regular contact with his dysfunctional family. We are thinking of selling our house and moving and when I joked about it being my house and I'll decide who can buy it, he became angry, just like he used to for everything. His eyes get hard and focused and his face turns red and I get ready for an avalanche of emotions. He was mad. A while later he asked why I am acting so weird. I said it isn't me, it is how you interpret things. I said we both know the house is in both of our names, we both know I can't just go sell it to whomever and keep the money, we both know it was jokingly said and my feeling is you have had contact with your family of origin because you are acting like you used to. You take everything I say seriously and get mad even if I am just joking and it is clear that I am joking.
Well he had been emailing his mommy and probably calling her to arrange a visit. Immediately he fell back into his old self. Not trustworthy at all. All the progress we made, where I thought I could trust him a little more, is wiped out. I am back to not trusting him at all.
Sad about this is that he will never know who I am. He will never hear my deepest emotions, concerns, devotion, nor feel what a real deeply trusting relationship is like.
Staying with a mem is challenging in many ways. Not only are you constantly reminded of the dysfunction of his family, you simply can't get away from it, you are also constantly reminded of the abuse you suffered by your mem and his family. Sure he is trying but that doesn't erase years of abuse and neglect. Something from the past comes up and the emotions resurface and he takes it personally, as if he is being attacked because I bring up the abuse. Complete healing in my opinion is not possible if staying with the mem. He is the perpetrator and abuser, he does not understand the victim. Instead of validating feelings, he adds again to the still tender emotions of abuse by justifying his actions when the abuse occurred or making it sound as if the abuse was nothing, it is in the past. He simply cannot show empathy because he was involved in inflicting the wounds and that feels uncomfortable to him. He also learned from mommy that someone else is always at fault, she always means well. He too feels like someone else must be at fault for his emotions of hurt and what better person to accuse than the spouse he lives with. You must have done something to provoke the anger outbreak.
Leaving, healing, and finding a deep trust is probably the only way to heal as best as possible. A partner who will show empathy, validate feelings, and can be completely trusted will by far be more helpful in healing abuse than staying with the abuser and making do rather than thriving.
Staying or going is a very hard and personal decision. When children are involved it is even harder. A split has to be carefully planned, especially in a narcissistic family where one never knows the evil that will be inflicted on you just because you didn't obey. Often a partner or spouse of a mem has actually left home and family far away and now is without resources, no place to go if splitting up. There are many things to be considered but staying is the harder route, time consuming, still emotionally taxing, and very slow healing.
If you are involved with a mem and have no children, it is best you leave asap. Get out as intact as you can and start your healing journey. Do not let the mem change your mind, and NEVER trust a mem, no matter how much they swear they are trustworthy. They are not. If it comes to a head, mom will win and you wasted good years trying to build trust with someone who can't trust and can't be trusted.