I found this to be something that repeats over and over. It is the attitude of the MEM that never changes. Usually the MEM will be consistent with attacks about the incompetence of the partner in all areas and how his mom could do things so much better. Defending herself, the spouse gets to a point where things simply blow up. Can't take the criticism anymore and brings it up to the MEM. Depending on the MEM, some totally ignore it and immediately make the partner responsible, others show some remorse saying they will do better. The ones, who immediately blame the partner for overreacting and being at fault are far from seeing the vicious cycle and killing dynamic they are entrapped in. They don't see the mother's spider web closing in around them to never be free. They'd rather be in the mother's web than be free to love and live.
The MEM who does see that they have been a bit harsh on their partner, they will say they will do better, quit the blow ups for a little while but overall the attitude has not changed. That is where the problem lays. The attitude of the MEM is the same. The fault is with the spouse. If the partner was just a little gentler with mom, a little more accommodating, a little more catering, a little more loving, a little more caring, a little more like him towards his mother, everything would be peachy. He does do some dishes, help with the children a little more, be a little more generous, but after a few weeks of watching himself, everything is back to the old pattern. More complaints, more victim blaming, more abuse for the partner, more adoring mother, more worshiping mother.
The only way for a MEM to make lasting changes is to recognize his faulty attitude. His abusive attitude towards his partner. His recognition of his dysfunctional unhealthy relationship with his mother and the rest of the family. Seeing that his abuse of his partner is directly connected to the enmeshment with mother. No women will ever control him like mother does, all anger he's been eating for decades are unleashed towards the partner, years of dammed up emotions that can't safely be unloaded where they belong, with the controlling mother. The partner becomes the victim. Unless the MEM sees the connection and changes his attitude, he will never be a true partner, truly able to love and be loved in a healthy uplifting way.
I know it can happen but it is so rare. Most MEM do not change their attitudes. They have a cease-fire for a while but the relationship will be back to the same old unhealthy dynamic and routine as before. The cycle continues. The partner thinks things are changing because of the cease-fire but in reality the attitude stays the same and the changes are not intrinsic nor lasting.