I recently read a statement that hit home. It said: “If people attack you in order to prove a point, it is important to understand that this type of behavior stems from a deep rooted inferiority complex. When we know something to be true and real, there is no need to acquire external validation or acceptance from others.” I remember all the times when I was attacked for having an opinion or pointing out something that I didn't disagree with. I also remember my MEM always telling me he could be. anything he wanted to be. His parents always told him he could become anything he wanted to become. His actions however didn't seem to match this confidence. At first I was confused but soon I learned that inside he felt quite insecure but would never admit to it. He attacked for the dumbest things and me not getting angry would make him even angrier. He wanted to be the victim and after years of this I stopped getting angry, I stopped letting him become the victim. I simply listened, didn't say a word, and he would yell himself into a huge mountain of anger. He would yell at me that I am angry and I would lift my arm and say, here check my pulse, I am not worked up at all. And I wasn't because I knew I didn't do anything wrong. I always thought I had to defend myself. I made that mistake with the in-laws as well. MEM families have this figured out, they turn into victims after accusing you of something. They are masters at it. That is all they have seen growing up, they think that is how you get your way and they often do. It never is an equal relationship. They want to be in charge and if they are not they will accuse you of something and then become the victim of you being angry. When you say nothing and just let them get their anger out you take the wind out of their sails and they do not know how to handle it. It makes them furious. A MEM has decades of anger build up inside of them. They don't know how to deal with their emotions, they only want to unload the anger on someone safe, someone other than mother or anybody in the dysfunctional family. Unloading on any of them would disqualify you to be part of the family and you would feel the “love” withdraw. Not really love but what they think is love. The MEM would be excluded in any family function until he comes crawling back apologizing. Therefore the wife or partner of a MEM gets all the anger unloaded on them. It does not help get rid of anger, the anger is still there. It is a vicious cycle with no end. A MEM doesn't even realize they are in it, just what they have always seen in their family and they don't question it. Mom gets her way by becoming the victim. The MEM immediately obeys. It is a long established cycle.
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AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
April 2024
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