Audrey finally understood mother enmeshment and the power a mother has over her son if he is enmeshed. He is a puppet on a string. Mother pulls, he obeys without question. Audrey was sick of it, wanted out. We talked, gained some understanding. Explained boundaries and how a MEM needs to make a decision of either choosing his wife and family or mother. He'll never figure out enmeshment on his own, he needs a definite date to get help or move back to mom. I was happy for her to have found the strengths deep inside after years of abuse, which spousal abuse emotionally and psychologically along with financially is common for MEM, and set boundaries. To finally find herself again.
Next thing I see are pictures of them together all cuddled up and "in-love" on social media. My jaw dropped. Why on earth would you want to make changes, determined to make changes, and then get back to the old patterns of obeying your husband and his mother? Why would you not stick to your guns? What does it take to get out of the old patterns and take charge of your life again?
I asked Aubrey what she was thinking. Bryce has tried to be nice and he wanted to have these pictures taken. It was ok.
Was it? Of course not. With going back to the old patterns Bryce immediately sensed the resolve for change wasn't real. He still had the upper hand, still had control.
The old patterns seem just so "normal." Being a spouse of a MEM, you have lost yourself. All the games of being compared with the all powerful and all knowing and all consuming mother and always coming up short, the game of words in which you get confused because a MEM comes with the expectation to control whereas you come from the expectation of working together, the abuse of put downs and coming in second after mother constantly, and so on. We'll cover the abuse of MEM later. There are distinct patterns that MEM's develop because of the false self they become. So very devastating and they have no idea this happened to them.
A spouse often feels the absence of love and kindness as normal. As long as there are no arguments or physical abuse, the world is ok. They don't realize that life has a lot more to offer. Having a loving relationships means trusting your partner would never do anything to hurt your feelings. Never do anything to make you feel second class. Never do anything to compare you.You feel like you could jump off a cliff and you know your spouse would catch you. Always supporting you in your efforts, no matter how crazy the ideas. A loving spouse gives you the wind beneath your wings. A MEM will vacuum the breeze beneath your wings if he realizes it might help you fly. He has all intention of keeping you under his control because he doesn't know you'll be back if he lets you fly and be yourself. Any attempts to build a business or circle of friends, other than what he can control, is met with disapproval and complete lack of support. You are not only on you own, your efforts are boycotted and put down every chance.
Because of the false self he developed early in life, he is out to control. The only way for him to feels safe is to control his environment. Mother controls him. He does not want to be controlled and makes sure no other woman in his life will ever control him, not realizing that unconsciously he is still very much controlled by his mother. That to him is normal, feels at home.
A spouse of a MEM will just fall back into old patterns because the effort to get out of the rut of living with a MEM is effort. A lot of strengths and energy is required to stick to your boundaries. To set consequences for abuse and deadlines for change. A spouse of a MEM needs to follow through, get your own bedroom, your own space where you can start to heal without the constant drain of energy from your MEM. Your MEM will explain why you shouldn't have your own bedroom, what will the children think or say, the neighbors, etc. Always concerned about what they look like to others without realizing those in healthy relationships already know he is abusive. The children already know mom is happier when he is not around, mom laughs and is silly when dad is gone. But a MEM will make every effort to keep you stuck. He has control. He feels safe. A spouse of MEM is powerless, does not feel safe but not obeying means you will start a long journey and it will take strengths and determination, finding a support system, keeping boundaries strictly, and so on.
It's easier to give up yourself and stay in an unhappy miserable marriage because at least you have a home and food. The children have parents.
So sad when a spouse of a MEM chooses to let it go on longer when every day you loose more of your true self and become more of the false self your MEM wants you to be.
If you are married to a MEM, set boundaries. Emotional abuse is no longer accepted. Every time he starts into emotional abuse, manipulation, put downs, and so on, stop and tell him you no longer accept his way of communicating with you, period. Walk away and let him know you can continue when he is ready to discuss problems as an equal without putting you down. No personal attacks. Get your own bedroom. Go house hunting, move out. You need all your energy to heal. It takes years but every step in the right direction means a little more energy and strengths for you to heal instead of fighting the constant abuse from your MEM.