One for sure is abandonment. The child is only needed when mother needs something, other times mother ignores him. The child never has emotional security. Never knows if he is enough as he is pulled close and pushed away randomly without a pattern.
A MEM is usually often criticized, especially when doing anything against mother's wishes. Sometimes verbally, other times non-verbally.
A MEM child also is often punished by the father as the father feels a competition with him. I believe a MEM child has had many traumatic experiences that turned into trauma because nobody was there to help work through the traumatic experience. A constant level of stress also causes trauma.
Gabor Maté explains how this childhood trauma leads to addictions. I then pondered what addictions have I seen in MEM. A lot of workaholics, alcohol, pornography, watching sports non stop. I saw the workaholic in my MEM but I wondered if criticizing could be an addiction because that is all he did for the first 15 years of our marriage. All. Day. Every. Single. Day. I couldn't do anything right, I didn't dress right, my hair wasn't styled right, my body not attractive (at 125lb at 5'6” and a swimmer), I spent too much money, I was too generous, I couldn't keep the house clean enough, I couldn't hike like his sisters, didn't look good on a horse, didn't know anything about cars (even though I always fixed my own, even complicated stuff because I was a poor student), whatever I did, he found something to criticize me for. So I looked it up.
Psychology today, Neil J Lavender Ph.D. wrote an article titled “Warning: You or Your Spouse May Be Addicted to Criticism.”
He asks: “Have you ever listened to couples argue? It's horrible. Two people in love trying to destroy each other. The tings they say to each other:
You don't know what you're talking about. You never know what you are talking about.
Can you possibly be any more stupid?
Your mother did the same thing her whole life and now you're doing it. She has totally ruined you.
You are on coldhearted bitch!”
That struck a cord. I have heard those things said to me at different times. I would argue that a MEM is not in love, a MEM does not know love, only possession and control. A MEM spouse is trying to love the MEM who has never been loved and has no idea what it feels like. The relationship was never equal.
Dr. Lavender later writes; “Let's face it, couples argue and fight. But couples can go beyond that and become critical of each other's very personality and identity, often going on a search and destroy mission in which they find their partner's weakest attributes and hammer away at them.”
He explains: “There are clear differences between criticism and offering advice or even critiques. When an individual is critiquing or making suggestions, they are sticking to the issues at hand. When a person becomes critical, they are attacking the very essence of their loved one's personality. […] Criticism, … tears a person down while remaining nonproductive in resolving marital issues.”
“For years, psychologists have recognized that day-to-day criticism by a parent of their child can be so harmful that it can produce any number of mental disorders in the child. Our Psychotherapy practices are packed with individuals who have had critical parents. And although it can have similar effects in marriage as well, divorce is the most likely outcome.”
Quoting marriage relationship researcher John Gottman he says, “Chronic criticism, in my mind, shares features of a typical addiction. Critical people cannot seem to stop their criticisms (just like an alcoholic can't stop drinking) and seems to seek out situations where they can be critical (like alcoholic searches for alcohol). Furthermore, they feel better when they are criticizing their spouses just as alcoholics do when they drink.”
Dr. Lavender explains that the criticizing spouse is trying to regulate his own feelings by hurting his spouse.
Can you as a MEM partner relate? Have you been the recipient of harsh criticism? Constant criticism? I certainly have and have come to believe my MEM too has addiction problems, just not the kind we are most familiar with and are more obvious. I have a hard time believing a MEM spouse criticizing constantly and harshly has no idea the painful deep wounds he inflicts on those he should care and protect. Can they really be so far removed from reality and emotions that they feel no remorse?