The MEM is no different. His loyalty lays with mom. She comes first. Nothing will convince him otherwise. Lots of anger is directed to the partner when in reality it is anger that should rightly be directed at mom. She is the one who has caused so much hurt over the years, neglect, and fear.
A MEM does not see any of it, he has been raised to be blind to the abuse.
After getting to know the mem better and meeting the family, there are things that keep repeating and eventually can't be ignored or forgiven anymore. The constant attacks, especially after talking to mother, the put downs, the criticism, the accusations, the lies, the being called names, a woman gets to the point where this just can't be simply forgiven anymore. We always hear, just leave it in the past and move on. A partner of a mem tries, forgives and forgives, blames self for the trouble, wonders why it is so hard to accept and like the mem's mother, and often the mem in his bizarre behavior. What is it that sets him off, did she do anything? Why is it that something simple, that should require nothing but a simple answer, reap an avalanche of emotions? Yelling, screaming, and stone walling?
Eventually the daggers thrown at a partner of a mem tear up all positive feelings there ever where. Every partner of a mem gets to the point where there is nothing left to give. After giving and giving and nothing in return, no crumbs of the table of affection left, a partner is so depleted of energy that it is finally obvious something has to change or the woman will figuratively die, soul and body.
The victim will be able to stop more daggers by having no or very little contact with the abusive dysfunctional family. The wounds are real. The wounds are left. The wounds still hurt. The wounds take time to heal.
Eventually the wounds close but the scars will always be there. There will still be events, words, people, furniture, anything that reminds us of our trapped state in the abusive family, that will trigger a scar to hurt. An emotional reaction to something that usually wouldn't be a big deal. It is hard to understand for anybody who has not been in this situation. The pain is real and it can set us back into the helpless state we were in when being with the mem.
The other day my mem's sister-in-law said she'd like to come when our oldest daughter is starting her religious service in Europe for 18 month. They'd like to say good bye. Mind you, we haven't had anything to do with them. She is a total whimp in my eyes. When my mem's father was accusing me of all sorts of things, just plain evil, she told me privately she disagreed but never spoke up in my defense. She is part of the dysfunction and is afraid to step away from it. I was all alone, being accused and cursed by the entire family, which is large, and she thought she could be friends by telling me she disagreed with them. She just wants to be the one who knows more than the rest and can go back and report, just to get a crumb of affection from her dysfunctional mother in law for spying well. I have no use for anybody like that in my life anymore. I told my mem I do not want them to come, I will not have them in my house. At first it became a discussion of me being unreasonable and they were always nice and just trying to help and it is his house as well, and so on. We all know the way a mem justifies dysfunction. Eventually he backed off because I was not budging. Boundaries are meant to be a safe guard against attacks, we need to enforce them. This entire episode of them wanting to come and scout out what is going on in our family and then run back to report, brought back tons of negative emotions. It opened wounds and pain I thought I was able to heal over the years. Not so. I realize now that after these traumatic experiences with a mem and his dysfunctional family, I will not “heal” completely without scars, I will only be able to build a new normal.
Any spouse of a mem will need to build a new normal. The past will always be with us, there will always be things that will trigger emotions we thought were long healed. Some will be healed better than others, but some will be there and cling to us, reminding us of the abuse we suffered.
Hopefully every spouse of a mem will find support, kindness, care, and honest love with no strings attached. Someone to validate the experience and give a safe place. Sometimes that place will be our own home, alone. My friend left a mem after 40 years of marriage. She is healing alone in her new home and people don't understand her need to be away, to set strict boundaries and not let anybody cross them. It will be a long journey. A lonely journey. A healthy journey.
To all you spouses of mem out there, partners, and ex-partners, keep on your healing journey and let nobody tell you where you are supposed to be in that journey at this time. If you are just now discovering all the daggers are real, or you removed the attacks, or you are dealing with the pain of the wounds left, keep on your healing journey. Be gentle with yourself, you did nothing to deserve this, you have incredible strengths to have dealt with it for this long, tap into the energy that is left and make the changes you need to heal, whatever those might be. Take courage, the pain and memories come less often the further you are on your journey. The pain is a little less intense most of the time. There is peace in knowing you will not be caught with a mem every gain. You know the red flags and you will steer clear off any mem. You can finally be your beautiful self again.