I became quiet, had no friends over like I used to, no going out because he didn't approve of my behavior with friends, no laughter, no joy, someone I hardly knew anymore.
When our marriage was really pretty much over, his mother called. I told her to never call my house again. If we wanted to talk to her, we'd call her. She started saying I am off my rocker and not Chrsitlike... I reapeated not to call again and hung up. Seconds later my husband's cell phone rang. He had accidentally left it in the house. Of course it was her. I picked it up and asked, didn't I just tell you not to call here again? Her response, does Karl know about this, does he know, he would never allow that. Again I repeated not to call again and hung up. I went to my husband's work, handed him his phone and said I just told his mother never to call our house again and if he decides to go behind my back he will loose his wife and children. He needs to decide it's either his family of origin and his mother or his wife and children but I will not live another minute coming in second. He was furious. That's really an understatement. But what it did to me, it was wonderful. I felt like I am back in the driver seat. I am taking charge of my life and I am not going to try to please anybody but me. It was a huge turning point. I went and looked for real estate and made it clear I wasn't going to continue the way it was. Got the playroom cleaned up and put a bed in there for me and the kids and said we can go to counseling and see what happens but I am planning on leaving.
It was great. It was wonderful. I was finally free again. Luckily the first energy worker he went to alone told him that the problem was with his mother. The next counselor he went to didn't even look at all the emails going back and forth accusing me of causing all the trouble and being the source of all problems in the family, etc, he simply said my husband has to decide if he wanted to stay with his wife and children or go back to his mother because he won't have energy to do both. It will take all the energy he has to safe his family and if he is not willing to do it he would be going back to his mother for sure. My husband was in agony. He couldn't sleep, his thoughts were consumed with his mother and how upset she would be, etc. One night I was crying because it looked like all the years of hell were for nothing, I was loosing it all. He asked if I was sick. I said no. That was it, he didn't care why I was upset, he was so preoccupied with how to handle his mother, he couldn't see what was going on in his own family. His sister called and said if he didn't talk to his mother, she would die. She would certainly die and it would be his fault. Totally crazy but fits with the closed family unit. She told him on speaker phone, as the counselor told him no more private conversations, which was the norm until that point, that his first priority is to his mother. That is why he is on the earth. Second he needs to look to God and Jesus Christ. When that is done he can take care of his family, wife and children. Totally wrong of course but that is how MEM families think. Everything evolves around the mother. He decided to go to counseling and see what happens. The counseling was designed to tell me what I need to change to appreciate his mother and then we could go back to being with his family. Well 5 years have passed since and we have not gone back to his family, neither has he really. He visited a couple of times but was able to see dysfunction. Because he has not been part of the closed family unit. He was away and had received help. Several years of counseling. EFT counseling to be exact. It is called emotional focused therapy after Sue Johnson. It is based on secure attachment. A MEM is not securely attached. Quite the contrary, they are avoidantly attached. That will be another blog entry. Very revealing. With that, look at who you have become. Are you happy being who you are now? What has changed? What would happen if he or his family would really know you? Let me answer that for you, nothing would happen if his family would really know you. They would still treat you ill, they would still not accept you, you would still be the culprit. So just take charge of your life again. Get in the driver seat. Make choices that make you happy because your partner will never be happy unless he starts from the inside. You have no influence on that. He has to make that choice and if he doesn't, he will always be his mother's puppet. But you don't need to be on the same strings, cut them all, dance to the beat of your own drum. Find yourself again. It can take years as it did for me. I am still not who I want to be. I still don't trust my husband. But him being willing to step outside of the closed family unit, he has made huge changes and I can see a future. Something I couldn't a few years back. If your partner is not willing to look at what is, you will never find happiness with him. MEMS just aren't happy people.