I always wanted a family. I grew up in a large family and wanted a large family. I did express that while dating. When we first got married my MEM did not want children. After a failed honeymoon it seems he already felt trapped in a marriage he did not want. Even with contraception I got pregnant. It wasn't we, it was my fault. When I took the pregnancy test and showed my MEM, he was furious. I remember very well. He was cleaning out the garage which had lots of stuff left from the previous owner and my Mem started throwing stuff, growling, and stone walling me. He wouldn't talk to me for a long time. I felt horrible. I felt guilty for getting pregnant. I felt alone. What was I to do with a baby and no support? I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I was expected to help with the property clean up business as usual. I did. We were tearing down a building for a used car lot. I carried on like usual, carrying heavy beams to the trailer. Several days of this and I started bleeding. I realized the pregnancy was in danger but there was nobody to turn to. Nobody to understand what situation I was in. I would have loved to have a baby and start a family at that time, however I would be alone. I ended up with a miscarriage. I grieved alone. My MEM showed no emotion, no support, no interest in neither me nor the baby. No sympathy. Just alone. And no break, the car lot needed it cleaned up and I went to work, grieving and bleeding. I never told anybody. I couldn't. How could I explain my failure? I failed in marrying a supportive man. I failed in carrying a baby to terms. I failed in making my husband happy. I failed in being happy. I still haven't told anybody. I cry every time I think of the baby I would never hold.
0 Comments
|
AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
April 2024
Categories |
|