On the comment section on the blog there has been discussion on the romantic relationship a mother shares with her son.
I was reminded of the time my MEM was asked by his mother to take care of her after a surgery. It required him to bathe her and help her to the bathroom. I found it odd and I said so but my MEM, his mother, and his family thought I was out to lunch. There was no reason my MEM couldn't help her in her time of need. I was relieved when a niece called and said my MEM wouldn't need to drive the 4 hours to help, she was there already and was planning on staying a while. He still drove up but didn't need to bathe and shower her.
All the conflicting messages a spouse of a MEM gets. Intuitively we know something is wrong, this isn't normal, but we are told that we are the ones who are not normal because it is what concerned sons do for their moms. It is perfectly fine and the entire family supports it.
After reading experiences of other spouses of MEM, who noticed a romantic relationship between their MEM and his mother, I started to remember many more experiences that showed the romance. I even found pictures that clearly show the romantic enmeshment. Looking at them now I feel like I am going to throw up.
When I first met the family one of the older sisters told me that the mother always gets all giddy when my MEM comes, as if she was in love. That was such an obvious red flag and I ignored it. She said he reminded her of the son in “A River Runs Through It,” the Brad Pitt movie. The son can do whatever he wants but the mother is giddy and happy whenever he comes home and ignores his behavior.
I did notice that my MEM would always massage his mother's shoulders, hug her a lot and more as you can see in the pictures. Somehow I told myself that he still needed to be close to her because she is usually a rather cold person who does not touch easily or often. Even when grandchildren sat on her lap, she would not put her arms around them and hug them, just sat stiff as a board. My thinking was that he just needed something from her and as soon as he felt he had it, he would be able to let go. I look back now and feel like a complete idiot. I didn't see how dysfunctional and wrong the family is and I didn't pack up and run. I thought I could help him get what he needed from his mother and was stupid enough to support that relationship, hoping it would eventually set him free. I had no idea that a MEM is NEVER set free. A MEM mother will never let her son go, never.
I witnessed years of the romance. We visited his mother at least once a month for the weekend. Our children started having fevers as soon as we arrived, which eventually made me stay home with the children because I knew it was connected with the environment and energy at my MEMs family home. That didn't deter my MEM from visiting with his mother, he just went alone. He took her shopping and to the grave yard, etc. If we did go together, like other spouses of MEM have experienced, the mother always sat in the front seat. It was a given that I would be treated as an outsider, one of the children, and sit in the back, not participate in the conversation, etc.
There is a bond between a MEM and his mother, a romantic one, and they cling to each other and cheer up in each others company, laugh and hug, and touch, like they are on a date. Others don't see anything wrong because he is just such a wonderful son and she is such a wonderful mother. Nobody realizes how dysfunctional destructive this attraction is. And for a spouse of a MEM, at least in my case, how disgusting.
Once my MEM even used his mother's toothbrush because he forgot to bring his. He just grabbed hers. I was so sick to my stomach, I thought I could never kiss him again. That was so disgusting and disturbing to me. When I told my MEM that I thought it was totally disgusting he just said that he didn't have his and he rinsed it before. I still feel like throwing up just thinking back on it.
You will not find support in the MEM's family, they all support the romantic dysfunctional destructive relationship because they enjoy seeing mother and grandmother happy. She seems to only be truly happy when MEM is around so they provide opportunities for MEM to be there to make their mother and grandmother happy. If you try to step between them you will be even more ostracized than you already are simply by being connected with the MEM. You will then be hated and harassed.
MEM mothers have a romantic hold on their sons as well as in all other aspects of the MEM's life. If you think you are dating a MEM, my advice, run, run, run.