The signs of a cult according to amandawhitepsychology.com are
Commonly described group conditions that may indicate manipulative or harmful cult involvement:
- The group or leader(s) promise the impossible
- The group or leader(s) is right, everyone else is wrong
- The group or leader(s) prohibits criticism or questioning
- The group or leader(s) demands devotion and obedience
- Individuals are expected to change their belief system
- Individuals are separated from familiar or normative social experiences
- Individuals lose their freedom to choose
- Group dynamics are overbearing, potentially in the guise of “friendship” or “caring”
When I read those conditions, it was clear that enmeshed families are a cult. The mother is the leader and promises eternal love that is really disguised control.
She is right, everyone else is wrong. She won't tolerate criticism and the family members know these unspoken rules and won't break them. Mother is always right and do not question your mother, she loves you and it is disrespectful to find fault. Do not question her motives, they are always honorable and always in your best interest. She will sacrifice herself for your good or so she has you believe. She demands you worship her, you admire and adore her, she demands your complete obedience or you will be punished. Punishment is by stone walling or excluding you from presents and activities. This includes the rest of the family as well, if mother is upset, the rest of the family will exclude you as well until you come back begging for forgiveness, even if you did nothing wrong. If mother deems you did wrong, that is doctrine for the rest of the family.
If you come into the family you are expected to abide by the same rules. You are expected to worship mother, to serve her, to call her to make decisions for you, to hand your children over whenever she feels like having them around, you are to keep her in the loop of all you do, and so on. If you don't abide by it, you will immediately be the worst enemy of her and the rest of the family. They will all turn against you.
You have joined a complete dysfunctional family, which unfortunately is often not plainly visible right away, and you are leaving normality behind. There is nothing normal or predictable about the behavior of a mem mother and family. The rules my change any given moment but the dysfunctional family knows the innuendo and nuances of mother so well, they shift with mother without a thought or concern. They are already brainwashed to believe mother knows what is best for you.
You have no freedom to choose. You do things that mother finds OK, and even if she is not around, she is still guiding your thoughts and actions. She is the puppeteer pulling the strings, you are simply the puppet doing as she commands.
And the family is overbearing. They give you constant advice as to how to behave to be part of the group, to be fully accepted, to be in the in crowed, and so on, when in reality, marrying into a dysfunctional mem family, there is no being part of the family ever, they will only tolerate you at times but you will always be the enemy. There will always be gossip going around on you, dirt the mother digs up on you through your mem. She knows your habits and finds shortcomings she explores and uses against you.
My mem's mother told me to be like another daughter in law of hers, she worked so very hard to be accepted in the family. She did everything she was supposed to do, visits all the time, brings her kids, and so on. If I would try as hard I'd have a chance of a relationship.
She told me what to cook for my mem and to get the kids out of the bedroom, they don't belong in there. Why in the world she would know about our kids in the bedroom and what business it is of hers, I don't know but my mem freely shared what I did and believed. It is a way for mem to be loyal to mom. They are working together, you are the outsider and giving her dirt on you makes him feel powerful in their relationship.
A mem family is a cult and one can only extricate oneself out of it the same way they would have to from a religious cult. No contact!