I shouldn't have been surprised, his mother always came first. On our miserable honeymoon, he was quiet and avoided me. On the way home he made us drive a detour so we could stop at his mother's house and check on her. It was his way of showing absolute loyalty to his mother.
There are many things I learned over the years. A MEMs mother is like his Ex-wife or phantom Ex. A MEM has been denied feelings since before birth. He lives by his mother's feelings and her demand of him. He is basically not himself but his mother's puppet. He lives to comfort her and make her feel alright about herself. Because his feelings have been denied, he is disconnected from them. He gets angry, anger that has been hidden for decades because he is not allowed to show anger towards his beloved mother. Once in a relationship, however, that anger is transferred onto his wife, another female in his life. I always called them the avalanche of emotions. Safe to be angry with his wife, he will unload decades of anger. He can't comprehend how it damages his relationship with his wife. He simply knows he can unload on his wife and if he looses her that is better than loosing his mother or betraying his mother. It is a very complex state for a MEM who honestly can't see it. Whatever the spouse tries to explain, he doesn't see it. He can't listen with his heart, his heart is blocked off. He doesn't comprehend how he is destroying a relationship.
If the partner is willing to continue the relationship and be close again with him after a blow of emotions, they are intimate, and he feels everything is ok. He has his needs met, his emotional closeness to mom and his physical closeness to his partner and the world seems ok for him. He really can't see how his spouse is not ok, his spouse has been hurt, there is an emotional wound he inflicted but he has no idea and can't access his emotions to understand.
So he adds wounds upon wounds without ever addressing them or help healing them.
It is only a matter of time. Austin James in "Emotional Abuse - the silent killer of marriage" explains it as laying bricks. Every time the MEM puts his mother first by keeping his spouse away from him, by verbally abusing his wife or pushing her away in any other way, he lays a brick around his spouses heart. The time will come when the last brick is laid and the spouse has no feeling left and wants out. That's when love is gone and the wife is making plans to exit the abusive unhappy relationship.
The MEM usually can't understand why his wife is unhappy. He is providing as in food and shelter but doesn't realize he is not providing any emotional stability and security. He has been abusive and doesn't see it.