But the most interesting thing I learned is, that although she has covert narcissistic tendencies, she really at her heart is a communal narcissist. Dr, Craig Malkin distinguishes between those three types and it is the communal narcissist I had not heard about but fit my MEMs mother perfectly.
Peg Streep wrote in Psychology Today, “Suprisingly while this narcissist shares characteristics with the other two-these are all people who continuously seek to validate their self-perceived grandiosity, esteem, entitlement, and power – this type focuses on promoting him or herself through commitment to others, communal goals, and the supposed ability to listen and connect.”
This is a really hidden type. They pretend to be caring but they always expect something in return. It is never out of the goodness of their heart, more out of the control of their heart.
Malkin explains it this way:
“They regard themselves as especially nurturing, understanding, end empathic. They proudly announce how much they give to charity or how little they spend on themselves. They trap you in the corner at a party and whisper excitedly about how thoughtful they've been to their grieving next-door neighbor. That's me-I am born listener! They believe themselves better than the rest of humanity, but cherish their status as givers, not takers.”
That really brought back lots of memories. All the stories of how she helped and listened to a women whose child committed suicide, how she got up at 5 am to bake rolls for a neighbor, how she brought dinner to someone, how she got up at 4 am to always have breakfast ready for her husband and children, and on and on.
Streep explains: “They're people who talk about having a “mission” or are “committed to a cause.” and they make it clear that while your life and concerns are petty and shallow, theirs are possessed of deep meaning and intent. [….] You may have been surprised when one showed his or her true colors by becoming hugely territorial and much more concerned with their personal aggrandizement and appreciation than the communal goal you thought you were all working towards.”
Important to see is that a communal narcissist lacks empathy and needs this “service to others” only to validate self. It is rather conflicting for the children. They hear mother sacrifice so much for them and others but are emotionally abandoned and neglected on top of having to be completely obedient to mother's wishes. Mother means well and the entire community would agree, mother is a Saint. The children, who can't see the true motivation, grow up thinking their mother is a Saint without having any empathy or feelings themselves. They are an extension of mother, especially a MEM. No empathy.
Religion is often a perfect way to disguise the true motivation of a communal narcissist. They stand out because they will always volunteer to anything that gets them attention. They do not serve quietly, they serve to be noticed. A MEM mothers announced in church how she hauled garbage for a neighbor and how God cares about garbage. Her need to be congratulated and her need to stand out as the most caring person in the congregation was obvious to anybody who studied communal narcissists.
Many MEM mothers are communal narcissists, hiding behind religion and their saintly natures the fact that their actions are meant to control their families and those around them, often using God to hide behind. Communal narcissists, like all other types of narcissists, can only be tolerated when there are strict boundaries and very limited to NO contact at all.