This mother said: "I just wish my sons will never treat their wives like they have seen their father treat their mother." Somehow that made me ponder.
How many times was I with my MEM visiting someone in his family, his mother usually there, and he would make remarks that put me down. Criticize me, often in a joking manner, but nevertheless hurtful, and praise his siblings at the same time. Everybody laughed. Why? Also when I received a nasty email from my MEMs father full of accusations he had mailed to everybody in the family, everybody was silent or agreed with him. I was the bad guy, I married for a green card, my biological clock was running out and I talked my husband into marrying me, etc. Just mean and nasty things, like his personality, mean and nasty. Only one of the sister-in-laws, married into the family, emailed and said she disagrees with his assessment of me and thinks he totally overstepped his boundaries. I was grateful one person in the family saw how wrong it was but at the same time I realized we'd never be friends. I can't be friends with someone to scared to stand up for what is right. So why doesn't anybody stand up for what is right? Come to the aid of the person being put down? Often for no reason?
My conclusion is that the MEMs spouse is first of all not part of the family and consequently does not need protection. Second, every time the spouse is put down, it is a win for the family. They enjoy the gap that exists between the MEM and his spouse. It is what they see as healthy. Keep the spouse away. Whenever the MEM puts down his partner, the family is reassured that he is loyal. His loyalty is with mom and the closed family unit. He will not betray the dysfunction. Putting the partner down keeps the partner at a distance and reassures the mom that she still comes first. He would never ever put mom down, never, and she relishes the unconscious reassurance that she is number one in his life. Nobody will take that place, not even the woman he lives with.
In a healthy family parents would get after the son if he was to put his wife down. They would help him see that it is not ok to treat your partner with disrespect, to publicly make fun of them, and to hurt their feelings for a laugh. It wouldn't be a sign of loyalty to the family of origin, it would be an embarrassment for how he was raised and they'd be quick to set him straight and apologize to the daughter in law for his behavior.
The life of a MEM and his family is so utterly dysfunctional, it almost hurts writing about it.