Dr. Konrad Niederwieser talked about how the mother's reaction to the child helps the child develop. Mother should be happy to see the child after a separation, smiling, hugging, and giving the child the feeling of, I am so happy you are here. If the child does not get that the child experiences a trauma. They are cut off from lives energy. Because mothers during the war were occupied with other things they often saw the children as a nuisance they had to deal with. The child was too loud, to aggressive and the child learned shame and not to live. The message was, do not live for joy, you are not wanted. Even as adults they cannot be in healthy relationships. If a child is securely attached, shame from outside won't traumatize the child but being shamed from the person that should be the one they are bonded to traumatizes the child and they exist rather than live. A mem mother cannot tune into their child. It is traumatizing when a child has to respect and worship the parents without ever being allowed to be upset with them. When a child is not allowed to show anger the child turns inside himself and is also not able to feel love. Where anger is allowed love can flow. Where anger is not allowed, love is cut off. I found this very interesting because in the MeM families I know the mother is treated with the upmost loyalty (I was going to say respect but I think respect goes deeper than a blind loyalty although the family calls it respect because that is what they have been taught) and nobody would ever dare to speak ill of her or even allude that she might have a dark side. Outsiders familiar with enmeshment can see the evil in the mother but the children are conditioned to show complete loyalty. The mem mother demands complete respect and a mem would never dare to utter anything negative about the mother. They are seriously treated like saints. Dr. Niederwieser says if anger and love can both be expressed safely, the child can mature into adulthood. If one or the other or both are suppressed the child cannot emotionally mature.
It made perfect sense because a mem has so much anger and hate inside. Anything that triggers it will unleash mountains of anger and abuse. However, the anger does not lead to love.
Dr. Harry Merl said, “The son feels the mother's sadness and neglect from the father and they become loyal to the mother to a point they can't become independent of her.”
I didn't realize that many of the children and grandchildren of war veterans became mother enmeshed sons through the same hardship that children all over the world become mother enmeshed. They are made to become the mother's emotional caretakers and give up self. They honestly don't know themselves. They were not allowed to live, only to exist for mother. It is the saddest thing to see and then to see how the cycle of enmeshed abuse continues into generations because nobody can leave the dysfunction. We have a lot of work to do to bring awareness of this complete and utter dysfunction so many boys are raised with.