I was reading “The Batterer as parent” when something caught my eye. Lundy Bancroft and Jay Silverman wrote, “If she becomes depressed (which is a common symptom of abuse), he may call her lazy or say, “You just want to live off my hard work.”
I immediately thought about a couple of my friends, spouses of MEM. I knew them long before they were married. They were vibrant, beautiful, fun, life loving gals who laughed a lot and were always generous. They were positive and full of life.
A few years into their marriage they had really changed. They became kind of life less, color less, blending in, not really motivated. Sometimes couldn't get moving for the day. Depression had hit. I hadn't thought about how depression is connected with being a spouse of a MEM until my MEM and I were in counseling. The counselor worked with attachment therapy. She said that great progress has been made with people with depression when they are being helped to have a secure attachment to someone. Often the counselor will become the first secure attachment for someone with depression. Our counselor worked on helping my MEM to become securely attached since he had only known avoidant attachment. I want to move closer emotionally, he moves further away. A MEM is not securely attached to anybody, although people might think he is to the mom but in reality he is not, he is avoidably attached but psychologically she has power over him. He is afraid to loose the tiny connection he has to her and will follow like a puppy to make sure that little bit doesn't get severed.
As Bancroft and Silverman said, the spouse of a MEM is then called lazy. I spouse of a MEM is also accused of wanting to live off the MEMs money, being weak, mentally ill, not capable of pulling her load, etc. The MEM and his mother bond together over the spouses problem. She becomes the "child" and mother and son the parents who need to set her straight.
I looked up some studies done on depression and attachment theory. One paper stood out from 1992.
“Depression and Attachment Problems” Odette Pettem, Ph.D.', Malcolm West, Ph.D.2, Anne Mahoney, Ph.D.3, Adrienne Keller, Ph.D.4.
In this study the subject show an anxious pattern of attachment. They are not securely attached. A spouse of a MEM cannot be securely attached because a MEM is always running away, always scared of opening up emotionally, always holding all emotions in.
If a spouse of a MEM has an anxious attachment style, developing depression is definitely highly possible. The spouse of a MEM is looking for closeness, for secure attachment, but only finds being abandoned, betrayed, harshly handled, belittled, and pushed away. The spouse feels lonely. There is no place to turn to find validation, peace, security. It is a lonely place to be. Horribly lonely. Depressive.
If the MEM could offer a safe place, a secure attachment, the spouse would not suffer with depression. Often, as Bancroft and Silverman said, depression is common in victims of abuse. Being a spouse of a MEM is being in an abusive relationship. I have yet to meet a MEM who is not abusive to his partner. A spouse of a MEM is always the victim of abuse, several types of abuse. Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically, and often sexually as well. It is only logically to conclude that a spouse of a MEM is at higher risk to develop depression.