I am getting to the age where the children are leaving home and I will be without a big purpose like I had the last 25 years of raising my children. When I contemplate that I get emotional, tears come easily and I mourn what I have lost. It isn't that I am loosing the children, that is exciting because they are successful adults making their way in life. It is the years I sacrificed in a relationship with my MEM that I will never get back. The years as newlyweds where life should have been joyful and fun, exciting to build a family, buy a home and establish ourselves as our own family. The first day of our honeymoon it was clear that there wasn't joy and it got worse from there. I mourn the the happiness I could have had, had I picked better. All the things I enjoyed in life I had to leave behind, dancing, hiking, swimming, mountain biking, having company over, and more. It was all about keeping MEM happy and not exploding, which he did daily anyway. It was walking on egg shells hoping I wasn't going to set off the volcano but it always erupted anyway and usually for the dumbest things. I mourn the love I could have shared with a spouse had I picked one who could give love, who could be close and comfortable, who has empathy and compassion, who is able to put another person first. I mourn the extended family I could have embraced and felt comfortable with. I mourn the laughter that was supposed to be part of my life. I mourn the adventures I could have had, traveling and seeing new places. The children would have been happier as well and could have had a relationship with their father. I mourn what could have been had I been more emotionally mature at the time. Years of sorrow and pain I will never get back, they are dead and gone and I the one to blame.
2 Comments
|
AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
April 2024
Categories |
|