I am getting to the age where the children are leaving home and I will be without a big purpose like I had the last 25 years of raising my children. When I contemplate that I get emotional, tears come easily and I mourn what I have lost. It isn't that I am loosing the children, that is exciting because they are successful adults making their way in life. It is the years I sacrificed in a relationship with my MEM that I will never get back. The years as newlyweds where life should have been joyful and fun, exciting to build a family, buy a home and establish ourselves as our own family. The first day of our honeymoon it was clear that there wasn't joy and it got worse from there. I mourn the the happiness I could have had, had I picked better. All the things I enjoyed in life I had to leave behind, dancing, hiking, swimming, mountain biking, having company over, and more. It was all about keeping MEM happy and not exploding, which he did daily anyway. It was walking on egg shells hoping I wasn't going to set off the volcano but it always erupted anyway and usually for the dumbest things. I mourn the love I could have shared with a spouse had I picked one who could give love, who could be close and comfortable, who has empathy and compassion, who is able to put another person first. I mourn the extended family I could have embraced and felt comfortable with. I mourn the laughter that was supposed to be part of my life. I mourn the adventures I could have had, traveling and seeing new places. The children would have been happier as well and could have had a relationship with their father. I mourn what could have been had I been more emotionally mature at the time. Years of sorrow and pain I will never get back, they are dead and gone and I the one to blame.
2 Comments
PC
1/16/2024 08:54:18 am
I too have fathomless grief. For the ways I've allowed myself to be gaslit into believing all the problems were in me - never my husband's or his narcissistic, enmeshing mother's or crazy sister's. After almost 33 years of marriage, I realize I just denied, avoided, and distracted myself from the truth of how emotionally abusive and damaging the relationship has been. I was predisposed to pick him because of a childhood full of emotional neglect, and I can take responsibility for that (and also mourn). But I don't know if I can remain in the marriage and heal. He's finally seen the light and appears to be taking this seriously (looking for a therapist, rereading Adams' When He's Married to Mom). But we've been at this place before. I'd love to know how it works to hold onto hope that he can change.
Reply
Deedee
1/20/2024 07:20:56 am
It is such a hard place to be. Should I stay or should I go. A good book from Lundy Bancroft. I am amazed how many women I know who are in abusive marriages. It seems a mem is not motivated unless you threaten to leave and follow through with setting up a way to leave. The desire to change has to come from the mem or nothing will change. They say it will and maybe read a litte but go back to their comfort zone looking for mothering, not a partner.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
April 2024
Categories |
|