I just received pictures from a woman on her 28 wedding anniversary to an enmeshed man and narcissist. A way to visualize the hopes, dreams, and promises made years ago were never honest and real. It was all to satisfy his and his families control over her, not a mutually respectful relationship. Never was. It took this long to realize nothing will ever change. If you are in a relationship with a MEM, if there are no changes after you bring it up and demand counseling and change, and nothing changes, don't wait 28 years, leave before you are so depleted that you can hardly think of how to leave. Burn your past and move on to something happier, even if that means going it alone.
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I was sitting in a meeting at church talking about the Old Testament. The topic was Ruth and Naomi. Daughter-in-law and Mother-in-law and the close relationship they had. Naomi must have appreciated Ruth and made her feel welcome in the family, who were a different religion than she was brought up with. Naomi asked Ruth to return to her family of origin, that would be a way to be taken care off for Ruth after her husband's death. Well Ruth refused and said she would stay with Naomi and stay with Naomi's religion.
The discussion turned to relationships with daughter-in-laws. One of the mothers raised her hand and said: “It is really hard to see your son with another girl. It feels like he is cheating on you. You love him so much and you don't want to share him.” I already knew the enmeshment, I had heard her talking about her son all the time and never mention her husband so I knew but to hear it spoken out loud to the congregation made me think off all the people who listen and find nothing wrong with it. I thought about a friend and her family. She said her mother knew, before she did, when she had met her future husband. She said her mom told her, when she said they were getting married, that she was waiting for that, she already knew. Wondering how she knew, her mom said: “You used to call me to tell me about what you were doing and when you met him, it slowly shifted. You would call me less but talk to him more. I knew he gave you support and secure attachment and naturally you started focusing on him.” The mom was excited for her daughter to have found a husband she can share this close bond with. That is the natural way. Mothers should be excited to see their son happy. To see he picked a wonderful woman who makes him happy. To see him focus on her rather than look back to his family of origin. To seem him be a husband and father first. That is what a healthy dynamic would look like but in an enmeshed dynamic the daughter-in-law is the enemy. There is no appreciation or even acknowledgment that she contributes to the son's happiness. Quite the contrary, only complains about her shortcomings, often fabricated shortcomings. |
AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
April 2024
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