The discussion turned to relationships with daughter-in-laws. One of the mothers raised her hand and said: “It is really hard to see your son with another girl. It feels like he is cheating on you. You love him so much and you don't want to share him.”
I already knew the enmeshment, I had heard her talking about her son all the time and never mention her husband so I knew but to hear it spoken out loud to the congregation made me think off all the people who listen and find nothing wrong with it.
I thought about a friend and her family. She said her mother knew, before she did, when she had met her future husband. She said her mom told her, when she said they were getting married, that she was waiting for that, she already knew. Wondering how she knew, her mom said: “You used to call me to tell me about what you were doing and when you met him, it slowly shifted. You would call me less but talk to him more. I knew he gave you support and secure attachment and naturally you started focusing on him.” The mom was excited for her daughter to have found a husband she can share this close bond with.
That is the natural way. Mothers should be excited to see their son happy. To see he picked a wonderful woman who makes him happy. To see him focus on her rather than look back to his family of origin. To seem him be a husband and father first. That is what a healthy dynamic would look like but in an enmeshed dynamic the daughter-in-law is the enemy. There is no appreciation or even acknowledgment that she contributes to the son's happiness. Quite the contrary, only complains about her shortcomings, often fabricated shortcomings.