A partner of a MEM is viewed less than a human, no longer having the same worth and dignity that humans are usually ascribed to. The MEM family think themselves as more experienced and better than anybody who comes into the closed family system.
Walking down a hallway in a hospital where my mem's mother was for MS, my mem's sister asked him if I was high maintenance. We were dating at the time. They talked about me as if I was a car or other purchase and as if I wasn't even there listening. I was designated an inanimate object from the beginning.
Acknowledging someone as human you would also have to acknowledge a complex individual behind it. A MEM family much rather keeps “intruders” as outsiders and treats them as inanimate objects, hence the abuse spouses of MEM suffer from the entire family.
A MEM family feels superior and by criticizing the mem's partner's upbringing, background, education, looks, life style, choices, and so on, they are dehumanizing the partner which justifies abuse in their mind. It is a moral disengagement technique to hide behavior that would usually be immediately called out as unfair and unethical. It becomes an “us” the mem family, versus “her” the villain marching into the closed family unit as if she expects to belong.
Dehumanization leads the MEM to be fiercely loyal to mom and the family of origin instead of realizing the inhumane treatment his partner is receiving. The partner is always presented in a negative light which helps the family of origin bind together against the enemy. The partner is kept on the outside and often ignored. I don't know how many family reunions I had to endure where I wasn't included in different activities. Activities planned without children and I was designated to watch the kids because the adults wanted time alone as if I was a kid babysitting their kids and not part of the family. I endure verbal abuse after verbal abuse about my upbringing, my choices in raising my children, laughed at for not putting my children in daycare, for not using a crib, for not working full time away from home, and the list goes on. I was criticized every step along the way with my MEM siding with his family in all of it. Everything became my fault instead of putting the blame where it belonged, his abusive family and his abuse. A MEM partner is never enough, never measures up, not human with likes and dislikes, rather an inanimate object that is used but not liked or loved, barley tolerated. Nobody can endure such treatment for long without serious psychological damage to them or fleeing the relationship. Both ways are painful.