An abuser needs to be confronted with his abuse. Every abuse needs to be called out. The abuser needs to be re-educated from bottom up as to how he interacts with others, especially partners. In his 30+ years of experience working with abusers he found they do not change unless they have more people calling them out on their behavior. His family, his friends, colleagues and acquaintances, they all need to be honest in what they see and call him out on it. Of course in MEM families that never happens, the abuse is condoned by the family, any attack against the intruder, the MEMs partner, is acceptable and supported by the closed family unit.
One quote stuck out to me. “True intimacy doesn't scare the abuser. An abuser can't be truly intimate with a woman because he doesn't respect the woman enough to be truly intimate. He can't see a woman as a human being – he sees her as a set of services that she provides him. Don't mean just old fashion services like making the meals and doing the ironing, clean the house although a lot of abusers do expect that also but it is services like providing sexual services, all these emotional services, you are supposed to attend to him and build his ego up and tell him what a great guy he is. You are supposed to give up all your friends and be just totally focused on him. You know your whole life is supposed to revolve around what he may need.”
That rang true. You are nothing but a service provider, no true intimacy. A MEM does not respect women. You will never have support in the MEMs family.