We went to 5 different counselors before one could help, although not familiar with MEM, she worked on attachment issues. A MEM has a avoidant attachment.
But let's start at our counseling experience beginning. The first counselor, Jeff, told us to not talk to the enmeshed mother about personal things but otherwise thought we would just have to agree to disagree. One of the habits of my husband had was to talk to his mother alone. Whenever she called, he would leave the room and have a private conversation with her. I was never allowed to know what they are talking about besides all the people in her neighborhood that have passed away. When I would mention that I don't agree with private conversation, I would get, what I called an "avalanche of emotions." There was so much anger penned up and I was the recipient. I realized later that this is normal. I have talked to many spouses of MEM and this seems to be the norm. The anger that they could never express towards the mother is safe to express to the spouse. A MEM is willing to loose the partner, but not the mother.
counselor number 2 was an older gentlemen, along the lines of counselor number 1. We just have to agree to disagree. I don't like his mother so he would have to visit her alone most of the time. The counselors don't understand MEM, they don't realize they are ruining the relationship even more by giving wrong advice. Counselor number 3 was a lady named Sue, who was enmeshed with her son. She was upset that I wouldn't want him to visit his mother alone and have private conversations. She explained that she demands time alone with her son even though his wife, her daughter in law, does not appreciate it. She was seriously convinced it was her right to be in-between her son's marriage. Needless to say we didn't stay with her, she needed a counselor too. Counselor number 4, Bryan, had some good points. The first thing he said was to cut all contact with the MEM"s family of origin. He said there is no way you can safe your marriage and children while catering to your family of origin. You have to decide now where you are putting your energy. This was probably the hardest thing my husband did, pondering, screaming, and whining about having to give up all contact. Bryan explained how one of the nieces, who wrote some nasty emails, had become the spokes person of the family and there would always be hostility because I was not accepted. He did what he could but did not solve any problems or help send my husband on a path to learning. Counselor number 5 was an attachment expert who worked after the "Hold Me Tight" method or also called EFT, Emotional Focused Therapy. She was able to help, not because she understood MEM's problems but she understood the unhealthy attachment. What a journey of years to just find help. Most counselors lack understanding on the subject of MEM and their advice will be contrary to what actually helps.