Some of them are:
“I totally lost myself. I can't tell you how hard I tried to hold the relationship together, I constantly felt it was my job to make the peace. Nothing, and I mean nothing every satisfied that person. I had to choose to be a yes person or face serious wrath. There was lots of verbal abuse and constant shame. After all of the controlling demands I would be left wondering, who am I and how the hell did I get here. I had to comply with a capital C to that person and I hated it. My worth and my self respect were not just stolen, the were trampled upon. To this day I struggle with doubt and profound grief. I feel like damaged good. Will I ever be accepted or lovable? I was told repeatedly if I left it would not end well for me. I felt so alone. I had to get away from the toxic fumes but I felt terrified.”
This is what trauma bonding does to a decent person. The abuser decided it is in the best interest of all involved to grind you into the ground. They rob you of your own decency. A MEM gives his family permission to do the same. They all are allowed to shame, accuse, put down, rob you of all decency as if you are worthless and need to be put in your place. If only you behave as they tell you to, you might have a chance but of course they move the goal post. You will never be able to be accepted by the MEM or his dysfunctional family. Nobody is allowed into the tight family unit of a MEM.
This psychologist went on to explain that if one is on the receiving end of this, you don't have to stay. It is OK to say no, I can't do this. He says we should never feel like we need to protect the abuser. Keep in mind it is a disordered person. Don't think you are duty bound. They drilled it into you by imperative communication, you must, you have to, you are obliged.... they were speaking falsely. It is necessary for you to claim your freedom. The abuser wants to take away your freedom to choose for yourself. But you are the one who gets to define who you are. You get to decide what your priorities are and your preferences and you do not need to apologize for them. The abuser wants you to forget you get to choose.
The advice is, be patient. You don't need to explain or apologize for everything. Start loving yourself and taking care of yourself.
Recovering from an abusive MEM is not easy, it takes time. Things will go well and something will trigger the abuse feeling and the mind goes back to being controlled or withdraws as to not feel vulnerable and alone. Healing having lived with a MEM takes patience and time and lots of doing things you love. Enjoy life whenever you can. Find friends, join clubs of things you are interested in to find other like minded people, go into nature, be alone with yourself with no distractions. Do things you would get in trouble for while with your MEM. Enjoying life is the worst punishment for a MEM as you were supposed to be as miserable as he and his family are.