I read “Emotional Vampires” by Albert Bernstein and when it came to passive aggressive, I marked almost the entire chapter and put MIL and SIL for Mother in Law and Sister in Law in the margins because it described them perfectly. As if he knew them. When I talked to my friends, who are married to MEM, it seemed their MIL were also passive aggressive. The MEM doesn't realize it, they are so used to it. They don't see the manipulation. They only see what mother wants him to see, that she does it all because she cares and loves him so much.
Passive aggressive always do what they are supposed to be doing. They will always give you presents and praise you in front of others, because that is what is expected of a good person. They are not giving you gifts because they love you, they are giving you gifts because they want your praise and they want to be seen as the wonderful person they think they are. That's why my MIL will always email whenever she send a gift to ask if it got to us and if it was OK, etc. She is always asking for positive feedback about how wonderful everything is.
Normal people acknowledge desires, negative emotions, flaws, along with the good and positive. Passive aggressive believe themselves to only have positive emotions and to be angels on earth. They want to look perfect for everybody to see.
Albert Bernstein says “They simply do not see anything in themselves that they consider inappropriate or unlovable. Their image of themselves is like a series of attractive still photos, scenes from a movie with no overall plot to hold them together.” (111)
He continues “They [passive aggressive] prefer to believe that they live their lives for others and never put themselves first.[...]...Passive-Aggressive Histrionics try to believe that they have no inappropriate impulses to act on. This is what makes them dangerous.” (111)
Passive-Aggressive will always only try to help. They will go to their MEM and hint at his wife disrespecting her or doing things that don't make sense or are not nice.
My MEMs mother called me shortly after we got married to tell me that she expects her MEM to come see her every two weeks like he used to do. I said it would be up to him, he has more bills now as we are needing an apartment, not just a room in a house like we did as single students, etc. He often works Saturday now so I am not sure how often he can come. She told me she expected him to come every two weeks and that was it. Before I knew it she had called everybody in the family in tears that I won't let her son see her like he would like and used to do. I had said nothing about it but immediately everybody took her side and treated me like an evil intruder. She also told me not to make cabbage for him, to make meat for him every day, to make sure he doesn't forget anybody's birthdays, to have him call her every Sunday, etc. She knew how to take care of him and I didn't and she needed to let me know what is best.
Passive-Aggressive give, but it comes with strings attached. It is a contract, not a gift from the heart. I gave to you, now you give me praise, total obedience, and lots of it.
It's common for them to believe that they do all the giving, never receiving anything in return. My MEMS mother told him she was adopting a family that moved into her neighborhood because they come to visit and appreciate her. She didn't say that my MEM didn't, but it was clear that it was a guilt trip that strangers had to take his place because he neglected his mother and his responsibility towards her.
My friends MIL rearranges her kitchen when she comes to visit, knowing how it should be to better find everything. She means well and when my friend mentions it to her MEM, he gets angry. His mother only means well and she can fix it when mother is gone. As a spouse of a MEM you don't have possessions, you don't have a safe place, all is fair game for mother to mess with and MEM supports mom, she is just meaning well.
My MEMs mother unexpectedly came one night to stay with us. We had no idea she was coming and she brought a family with her, who had given her a ride. We lived in a one bedroom apartment with four children and she expected us to find room for 5 more people. I think she figured we'd give up our room for her but that was impossible as our children slept in our room too. We put the family up in the living/front room, the only other room we had and put her in a camp trailer outside. Didn't take her long to let everybody in the family know how badly she was treated having to sleep in a camp trailer, not even in the house. Of course it was because of me, MEM would have given up his room for her.
Bernstein explains : “Think for a minute of the many subtle ways that a person close to you can signal that he or she is irritated. Sniffing, snorting, sighing, eye rolling, choosing words and phrases that imply criticism, or even saying nothing at all. The list is endless, and Passive-Aggressive vampires use everything on it to clobber unsuspecting friends, lovers, and family members.” (115)
Passive-Aggressive believe themselves to have pure motives, they never apologize, everything they do is to be helpful, giving up self for you, and they expect you to praise them and be totally obedient.
Bernstein points out that the negative in them isn't eliminated; it's merely plastered over with affirmations and often projected onto other people.
Passive-Aggressive see the world as two-dimensional, full of villains and victims. They will tell you about the all the things that happened to them, done by other people. My MEMs mother would tell me all about her cheating ex-husband and how he hurt her and finally wanted a divorce and she tried everything to keep it together, etc. Pictures of their wedding and family pictures were all over the walls, giving you the impression he is on a business trip or died. When I first met her I felt bad for her, I felt what a poor woman this is with all her health trouble and her ex-husband cheating on her. Poor victim. Only I didn't realize that that is her personality, the victim. She loves being a victim, she finds ways to be a victim and get sympathy from everybody.
When I started to finally push back a little and start to explain what my MEMS mother said to me and how she twisted what I said to be a victim, ALL her family, all of them, said I misunderstand her, she would never do or say anything that isn't appropriate. The oldest daughter told me that I simply don't understand English well enough because I am German. I was totally at a loss for words. I have a college degree in English and the MIL is not using big words, I understood her words just fine but nobody would admit to the mother having flaws. A closed family system isn't allowed to even see that and everything that doesn't fit the Saintly mother is classified as misunderstanding and no apologies made.
When I read Bernstein's book, I cried because finally someone validated my feelings. He knew I wasn't a villain, I became the victim of the victim passive aggressive person. “Frustrated Passive-Aggressive will come to you with all kinds of stories about who said and did what to whom. It is important to remember that their perceptions are often distorted by their belief that they couldn't possibly do anything wrong. Histrionic tales may be dramatic and convincing, but you should never believe them without getting corroboration. If passive-aggressive vampires tell you other people are upset with you, it means they're upset .The way these vampires ask for anything is by telling you that somebody else wants it.” (119)
He described my MEMs mother. She would tell me that her ex-husband is upset with me, that her daughters are upset that I wear my baby in a baby carrier, that the doctor said we shouldn't co-sleep with our children, etc. Never her opinion, she is just trying to help. She told my MEM that she should not be saying anything but she just can't stand by any longer without saying it but Fred, my MEMs brother, is very upset with Karls (my MEMs) wife (me) and unless I apologize he won't have anything to do with us.
What a way to drive wedges between family relationships and still the family believes it is all done out of love.
Bernstein advises “Passive-Aggessive Histrionics throw passive tantrums. When they're upset with you, they show it by getting sick, misunderstanding your instructions, or talking about you to somebody else If you get angry, they'll see you as an abuser and feel justified in taking further retaliatory action.” (124)
That too happened. I defended myself and the next thing I know I get emails about how abusive I have been to the Saintly mother who never did anything to harm me. My MEM was livid, I was an abuser to his mother and he will not have that. Poor victim mother knows how to play the entire family and they respond beautifully to her pulling strings.