My friend Janet teaches NVC classes. She is a master in using NVC. I took one of her classes and realized NVC stands for Non Violent Communication. There is a way to communicate that is non threatening to others. As I thought about NVC according to Marshall Rosenberg, I wondered if he ever encountered the NVC I was more familiar with, the non verbal communication. The Non Verbal Communication I saw frequently wasn't meant to be non-threatening, not meant to be understanding and kind, it was the opposite. The NVC I was familiar with was the threatening, guilt inducing, immediately obeying kind my MEMs mother used frequently.
Non-Verbal communication in general is meant to help understand each other. On the website helpguide.org, it states:
“It's well known that good communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, be it personal or professional. It's important to recognize, though, that it's our nonverbal communication—our facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, and tone of voice—that speak the loudest. The ability to understand and use nonverbal communication, or body language, is a powerful tool that can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, and build better relationships.”
“When we interact with others, we continuously give and receive wordless signals. All of our nonverbal behaviors—the gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how loud we talk, how close we stand, how much eye contact we make—send strong messages. These messages don't stop when you stop speaking either. Even when you're silent, you're still communicating nonverbally.
Oftentimes, what comes out of our mouths and what we communicate through our body language are two totally different things. When faced with these mixed signals, the listener has to choose whether to believe your verbal or nonverbal message, and, in most cases, they're going to choose the nonverbal because it's a natural, unconscious language that broadcasts our true feelings and intentions in any given moment.(italics added).
Why nonverbal communication mattersThe way you listen, look, move, and react tells the other person whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how well you’re listening. When your nonverbal signals match up with the words you’re saying, they increase trust, clarity, and rapport. When they don’t, they generate tension, mistrust, and confusion.”
My MEMs mother had this non verbal communication perfected and with her passive aggressive nature, it works like a charm for her in controlling her family, always meaning well. The children are so well trained, they don't even see it, just respond obediently.
She uses it so subtle, it is easily missed. When I first met the family, almost 20 years ago, I didn't notice it. Even after we married 18 years ago, I didn't notice it. It wasn't until a few years into our marriage that I noticed it and once I did, I noticed it every time.
We spent way too much time at my MEMs mothers the first years of our marriage. Every Holiday, Birthday, Valentine's Day, Death day of the sister who took her own life, talk in church assignment for her, snow weekend to shovel snow for her, and so on we would pack up kids and travel 4 hours to stay at her house. Divorced and miserably living in the past, it was always an emotionally dark and dreary place. That's how I picture hell. Just so miserable. When we had 4 kids, one of our children would, without fail, develop a high fever and we'd have to leave early. Even when I started insisting that we stay at a motel rather than the dark and dreary house, one would end up miserably hot and I'd take care of them. In a way I think they did it to safe us from having to be with the MEMs mother for too long because the energy was so depressing and dark, even for them.
One of the kids would get sick and we'd go to tell the MEM's mother that we needed to leave and she would say she was planning on us for dinner, had bought everything already and we really need to stay. I'd say we had better leave and she would sit silently for a while, not talking to anybody. Then she would hack, and sigh. Immediately my MEM would agree to stay for dinner. Not a word was spoken. She had complete control without verbal communication.
Any time my MEM's mother felt threatened in her standing as number one for my MEM, she would bent her head slightly and laugh just quietly. MEM would immediately tell me how is mother did whatever we were talking about better than I at that time. There was no winning, even though I was using words.
My MEM thought he had a healthy relationship with his mother because every now and then she got on his nerves and he would indicate to her to back off. Just something simple like, I will take care of the groceries for you, I don't need you to tell me every bit you want on it. She'd get this pained face and exhale painfully. Immediately he'd say, OK, what is it you wanted me to get.
I also noticed that her way of interacting with grandchildren is confusing for them and must have been for her own children. She would take them on her lap but not hug them or touch them. Her daughters do the same with their children. Small children, on their lap but not touching. Professing her love for them but not showing it by being gentle and caring when they are close by. I think ALL family members choose to believe the non-verbal communication that shows they are not really important to her, only in a sense to serve and make her feel better, and consequently she doesn't have family visit very often. Of course everybody calls her a Saint and the most wonderful mother but intuitively they stay away. They do what she wants most as a passive aggressive personality, praise her. I also believe that was the reason my MEM was pushed by every single family member to cater to his mother because nobody else wanted to do it. Nobody else wants to be there, it's too dark and dreary and you end up doing things you didn't want to but fall under her control when being exposed to her non-verbal communication.