Staying with a MEM is a lonely life. The abuse is always right in front of your eyes. The past is your present at all times. Sad. Lonely. Hopeless indeed.
We talked about what we should do when MEM's mother is dying or found dead. It is difficult because the MEM is feeling guilty for not having done enough, feeling emotional, wants support. The MEM spouse is feeling more relieved and glad this chapter is being closed. My MEM's mother is dying and he, of course, wanted to go see her. I thought he would. I thought he would feel guilty. I knew his family would be there. I also know how he reverts back to being the child and mother's little man when he is around his family. He wanted to just say good bye and then leave. Of course that didn't happen, he stayed. He is still part of his family of origin. They embraced him. Only him. I never was part of the family. I never was included. At a time when I should be a support to him, I feel like running away. I don't want anything to do with his family. I don't want to hear about how fun it is to visit with them all. I don't want to hear how mother recognized him. I just wonder why I am here. Why did I stay this long when I really can't stand his family? How can I become emotionally close to the product of such a dysfunctional family? I know they can say the most negative, vile and disgusting things about me and he will never stand up for me. He would never upset anybody in his family. He knows it would upset them if he stood up for me. He can't risk upsetting them, even after not having much to do with them for years. They still rank higher than his spouse. Will always rank higher.
Staying with a MEM is a lonely life. The abuse is always right in front of your eyes. The past is your present at all times. Sad. Lonely. Hopeless indeed.
3 Comments
mocha
12/6/2021 06:24:41 am
Hugs! I have a small baby with a MEM. I plan to extricate myself from him although he is a good father. But I just dont see myself spending life as second fiddle. I would rather be alone with my child.
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Deedee
12/10/2021 02:19:27 pm
Mocha, I wish I had your understanding early on in my relationship with a MEM. It took me over a decade to be able to pinpoint what the problem is and that I am not the problem. Best wishes in extricating yourself from the dysfunction. It won't change anything in the dysfunctional family, you will always be the problem and the bad guy, if you are with the MEM or left him, the problem in their mind is you. Good luck, you are on the right track.
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Chrissy
4/13/2022 11:17:25 am
My first love (a long time ago) turned out to be a MEM. His mom lived with him (in a house he owned). She was very needy and not disabled. A fugly frumpy weathered hippy lookin type of woman. She tried to be my friend/hangout with us and that was weird to drink and smoke pot with him and his mom. She would interrupt bang on the bedroom door while we'd be intimate. Then 2 yrs in I noticed him always in his moms room with her every morning having coffee together. Then had to deal with him always passing out, taking naps in her room with her in there, sitting sometimes lying next to him watching a box tv on full sized bed. While I would just hangout in his room alone and watch a flat screen tv on his king sized temper pedic bed. Everytime him and I had an argument/disagreement he'd run and hide in moms room and tell her all about it. It all really bothered me and I left this guy that I loved after 3 yrs bc of this craziness, made me feel so insecure. Anywho, went no contact but never stopped loving him. Found him on FB 7 yrs after the breakup. Meet up to catch up and he was not the same man I fell for yrs ago. He was super skinny, pale, unhealthy and seemed unhappy. I guess his mom and him got into bad drugs together after I left. He lost his house, his good job, had to move into an apartment with her. She ended up drinking herself to death. A yr after she died he told me that he overdosed on methadone and alcohol and almost died himself. I was totally turned off and disappointed. He used have his shit together. My feelings for him disappeared at that last meeting. Such a sad ending.
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AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
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