"Narcissistic behavior is highly immature behavior. When someone's chronically defensive, refuses to apologize, and denies your reality they're revealing a lack of emotional maturity."
The next picture said: "Narcissistic behavior exists on a spectrum and is tied to our childhood development. If we didn't get a chance to emotionally mature, we don't fully develop a sense of self. This leads to all sorts of dysfunctional patterns."
That made sense, a MEM has no chance to emotionally mature, he is mother's emotions, doesn't even know his own, besides anger he has to hold in.
the next message was:
"*an inability to emotionally regulate
*a pattern of invalidating the emotions of others
*high levels of deflection (blaming others)
*inability to access introspection: Introspection is the ability to witness ourselves and our behavior"
I silently nodded yes to all of these points. Definitely a MEM she is describing.
Next slides:
"Those with narcissistic traits cope with their inability to self regulate by avoiding difficult emotions and conversations. Their defensiveness will always be high because they are uncomfortable facing any negative aspects of themselves."
"Their level of shame are so high, so seeing any flaws or admitting any mistakes feels like a threat to their sense of self. This is why they take everything extremely personally or as an attack."
Yes, again I nodded to them, highly defensive, feeling attacked by someone else's feelings. Not acknowledging that my experience is very different from his. I was not the abuser, I was not the constantly criticizing one, I was not the one screaming every day, I wasn't the one accusing him of all sorts of things, I wasn't the one comparing him to everybody in the family and shaming him, I wasn't the one whose avalanche of anger was unleashed towards him daily, and so on.
Next message was:
"If you notice a pattern where:
*you never feel heard
*your concerns or emotions are always denied
*there is no repair or apologies (sorry you feel that way)
*words and actions don't align
*there's a child-like way of coping (door slamming, stomping...)
.... it's important to be aware."
"This is an emotional cue of where the person is at. It signals their capacity to have an honest and open relationship. You can now make an empowered choice of the role they'll play in your life."
I wish I would have knowns these things during dating. My choices would have been very different and my life would have been happier I believe.
Her advice to protect yourself is:
"you can choose:
*The boundaries you will have
*The way you will communicate with them
*How much effort or energy you will spend
*If they even do have a role in your life (remember you get to choose)
Remember, you can't fix or change anyone.
All you can do is decide who gets access to you."
Dr. Nicole LePera might not know MEMs operate this way but she described MEMs perfectly. My MEM gets upset with me for expressing my emotions, my experience, my past because he feels I am attacking him. An emotionally mature adult would understand the pain he caused, the deep wounds he left and would try to make up for that. Feel the pain instead of accusing the victim of falsely representing her own story and experience. Emotions to a MEM are very uncomfortable. He will do anything to not feel, accuse and unleash anger to feel in control. And wants sex after even if your emotions are still sad and hurt. He will feel better and move on, your past never gets healed. Not with a MEM by your side.