On our road trip we had a lot of time to talk and read posts on this blog. I know my MEM's mother always brought up something negative about me in subtle ways, like, I just don't know why she would do this, it doesn't seem Christlike, etc. So far my MEM always took the bait and would be so upset with me upon his return. I asked him if she did that again. He said yes, she had some complaints waiting to address. I asked if in the 19 years we are married and 20 years we have been together, if she ever said anything positive about me.
After a couple of minutes silence my MEM said, "No, she never has."
Every visit with my MEM produced something she complaints about in me and she not once looked at the positive qualities that I do have. Talking to her you'd think I have none but that is her perception because I am a thorn in her life.
20 years and can't find a single positive thing. So far my MEM also did not defend me, he would take the bait and run with it, making me responsible for the complaints she made up. I didn't measure up to his mother, she is so much better than me, was his thinking, and if I could just be a little more like her, we'd all get along.
Now after years of learning about MEM, he actually realized what she is doing and he avoids the bait but, I asked, would you ever stand up for me and tell her that you proposed to me and married me because you wanted to and you are happy and don't appreciate anybody putting your wife down like that. He pondered again for a few minutes and said he couldn't do that.
A long time ago, about 10 yeas ago. one of our ecclesiastical leaders asked my MEM to always say something positive about me to his mother whenever he talks to her. He wouldn't do it, not once.
It would question the loyalty he has to his mother. To find another woman wonderful is the same as telling his mother she is not wonderful and is not as good. He couldn't do it. Still can't.
We had a really good discussion however and we could talk about enmeshment without him blowing up, accusing, screaming, calling me names, etc. That is all in the past. Years of counseling and education on MEM has made a huge difference.
Here is a question he asked me however and please leave a comment if you have seen this EVER in your experience with MEM.
"Have you ever seen a mother, who is enmeshed, understand how unhealthy it is and make changes?"
I honestly never have. I read all the books there are and have lots of friends married to MEM but I have never seen a mother make the first step to a healthy relationship. Never. Quite the contrary, in each case they try to manipulate any movement away from the enmeshment. Their happiness is control over their son and they will fight to keep it, no matter how low of blows they have to dish out.
If you have ever seen a mother change, please share your experience.