Not long ago my second oldest sent a tiktok video she liked. It was a young man explaining that if your child turns 18 and wants nothing to do with you, that is on you parents. You had 18 years to build a relationship, to build trust, if your child turns away from you and wants nothing to do with you, that is your doing and has nothing to do with your child. I agreed. As parents it is our responsibility to care for our children, to give. They take. That is how parenting is set up. If we think our children are here to give us validation or need to cater to us, we should not have children. Children are ours to care for and raise with trust and love. Needless to say some of our children don't want anything to do with their father because he never invested time but demanded respect. Building a relationship with our children starts before baby is born. We can't leave that until they are older and then demand they respect us and cater to us. Sad state a MEM is in without ever having been truly loved themselves they don't know how to love at all.
Talking to some women about how my MEM did not know what to do with our children, I realized that for years I never spoke truths. I wanted to capture the imaginary good father and would take pictures of the rare occasions he would take a child somewhere. The few times he joined us on family outings have quite a few pictures. The trip to a lake nearby, where I was with the children for 4 days and he would join us the fourth day evening, stay overnight and then leave about noon the next day with all of us to go home, had lots of pictures. You look through our picture books and would think this father really took time for his children when in all reality he hardly knew them. He had no connection to babies really and I never left a baby in his care. I thought when they got older, like 2 or so, I could leave them. Once I left our oldest daughter about 2 and when I got home she had wasps stings on her hand, several, huge swollen hand, but nothing was done to help her with the pain. Of course I jumped into action and was told she was playing at a gate that had wasps in it and she got stung. Another time I left our second oldest about 2 and took the oldest with me. Our 2 year old was taking a nap and I thought I could leave her, she probably wouldn't wake up too soon. When we got home I pulled in the driveway the same time my MEM did. I asked where our 2 year old was and he had no idea. He had forgotten I had asked him to listen for her while she took a nap. I ran in the house and found her just waking up. The few times I did leave a child with him I never felt that they were really cared for. They were always an afterthought if he thought about them at all. Consequently I never left a small child in his care anymore. Years that would have helped build a relationship were wasted. I could never trust him with our children because he was neglected as a child he has no idea how to care for a smaller child.
Not long ago my second oldest sent a tiktok video she liked. It was a young man explaining that if your child turns 18 and wants nothing to do with you, that is on you parents. You had 18 years to build a relationship, to build trust, if your child turns away from you and wants nothing to do with you, that is your doing and has nothing to do with your child. I agreed. As parents it is our responsibility to care for our children, to give. They take. That is how parenting is set up. If we think our children are here to give us validation or need to cater to us, we should not have children. Children are ours to care for and raise with trust and love. Needless to say some of our children don't want anything to do with their father because he never invested time but demanded respect. Building a relationship with our children starts before baby is born. We can't leave that until they are older and then demand they respect us and cater to us. Sad state a MEM is in without ever having been truly loved themselves they don't know how to love at all.
2 Comments
B
7/23/2022 07:38:02 pm
Going through this now with our 11 month old daughter. I had no idea he would be this way with her. It’s exactly as you describe and she’s stopped going to him almost completely at this point. He acts like she’s not in the room and never gives her a smile or any kind of attention. Is the most painful thing to bear witness to as her mother. I don’t know how to get through this I feel heartbroken for her. It’s the worst thing to witness an infant be rejected by her own father on a daily basis. I dare not leave, for I could never share custody and leave her with him without me there to protect her.
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Deedee
8/16/2022 11:01:42 am
B, I can completely relate to you. To see our cute children and feel so much love for them and then look at our MEM, who shows no sign of any feelings is heart breaking. They are loosing out on this wonderful journey of building relationships with your children. The bond you build when they are little really lasts a life time. Sad to see how our oldest children move away and only contact their father for father's day out of duty rather than love. It does break my heart for them, the innocent neglected children. I would be sad if my kids didn't call me or text me. I am so glad I put in the time when they were little and I have a good relationship with each of them.
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AuthorIn a relationship with a Mother Enmeshed Men for over 17 years, 15 married. Way too long! Lots of experience and insight into what it is like to be the spouse of a MEM and what a MEM couple can do to survive. Archives
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