I was thinking about that yesterday. My MEM went to see his mother for her birthday. Based on past experience with his mother intervening in our relationship and him totally bonding with her over everything, I realized that I don't feel safe. I have not felt safe in our relationship from the beginning. From the beginning I was told that I don't measure up, I am not as perfect and saintly as his mother, I am not as good looking as the sisters who all could be models I was told, I don't clean, cook, do dishes, do laundry, and organize as well as his family. Their saying, a place for everything and everything in its place. If his mother or sister would take care of my house it would be organized and clean at all times.
No I don't feel safe. Me, who I am, was constantly criticized. Nobody even took time to get to know me, I was an outsider from the beginning. They looked for faults, made them up if they couldn't find what they were looking for, and everybody grabbed a hold of the faults and ran with it. I simply could not measure up and therefore needed to be kept at a distance and put into place frequently.
I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe to share what my hopes and dreams are. I don't feel safe to share past experiences. I don't feel safe emotionally. Who I am is not OK to my MEM and his family. I have a part of me that my MEM will never know because I don't feel safe in sharing. My feelings were never validated, I was only criticized. My feelings don't count.
When we argued in our relationship, it was always twisted as to how I hurt my MEM's feelings and was disrespectful to his mother. My feelings didn't matter. The wounds he and his family left didn't matter.
No I don't feel safe. And I am sad that our relationship will never be the depths it could have been had I felt safe. Although my MEM is trying really hard, I don't believe the crumbled foundation can ever be build to what it could have been. I can't feel safe with the one who inflicted all the abuse and cut deep wounds and does not understand the depths of the abuse. How could you trust to feel safe with your abuser?
I am sad to say I don't feel safe emotionally in my own home.